So I wrote a poem...

While looking through an old journal of mine, I stumbled upon a poem I wrote on 9/22/2009...So I thought I'd share...Hope you like it!!!!

My Makeup

My makeup hides my mood, it's a lie.

My makeup disguises the way I feel inside.

Without I look cool, fabulous, and fly,

but within, I could just break down and cry.

Depression, oppression, what is this I'm feeling?

There are walls all around and above me no glass ceiling.

Is this my fate? Is this all life will be for me? 

Giving up ME to do for my family?

I used to have BIG dreams...FADE...

I have visions now, or are they just notes on a page?

How do I believe again when they seem so far out of my grasp?

Should I just accept that they are wishes? 

Like smoke from a birthday candle, they'll pass?

There has to be more for me!

I don't know how.

There has to be more for me!

Maybe just not now....

That's what I keep telling myself.

It's just not my time.

One day I'll have the FREEDOM to do more...

More time, more energy, more HELP!

In the dark of the night into my pillow I SCREAM!!!

Letting the pillowcase dry my tears.

You're my best friend, and you don't feel me.

You're my best friend, and I don't feel your support.

You're MY -- BEST -- FRIEND!!!!

At least that's what I thought....

You don't see my value,

You dismiss my wisdom for just talk.

I am a TREASURE that you would be proud of, if only you could really 

SEE ME, FEEL ME, HEAR ME!

But it's coming though..My day will be here soon.

And when it does, I won't push you aside or make you feel I don't need you.

So I'll continue to wear my makeup, to hide the pain I feel inside.

Until my inside feels as beautiful as my outside, and my makeup is 

no longer a lie.

©Copyright 2009 Dera4life productions

Back in the day....

So I guess I can just consider myself 'old school' now because I find myself saying more often, "remember back in the day when...."  I'm not that old, I'm only 30*bleep*, but things sure did seem to change drastically in certain areas of life.

Today's 'back in the day when' moment happened when I saw this young girl, still in high school, wearing a wig....a BAD one I might add.  Now I'm not knocking anyone for wearing wigs whether out of necessity or out of a sense of fashion, but when did they start wearing them soooo young?

When I was in high school, the most someone would do is put a track or two of weave in their hair, or add extensions for braids or cornrows....but man, these girls now have full on lace front wigs, in every color of the rainbow, down their back, etc. etc.  (A lot of them also dress like 'shoe models', but that's a whole other story...smh).  N-e-way...again, do you with your doo, but when it doesn't even look like it could, in the slightest possible way, be your real hair, doesn't compliment your skin tone, or starts looking like a family of birds and a couple of thieving squirrels live in it, DON'T DO IT!!!!!

My husband often rants about girls and women wearing bad wigs and wonders why they don't have folks that love them enough to say, 'hey, that's not a good look on you.'  The more I see, the more inclined I am to help him form the 'Bad Wigs Be Gone' group that he threatens to make every month.

The right hair can do wonders for your overall look....I know, b/c for years my mom wore wigs...it started b/c of a bad hair cut and then she just got used to the ease of being able to throw it on and go and not have to fuss over her own hair.  But last year, she decided to begin just wearing her own hair again and it literally took YEARS off of her appearance and she gets oooo's and aaahhhh's all over the place about  how beautiful her hair is.

In closing, if you can/will do it right, do your doo boo! But please, please, please don't let your friend walk around thinking she's fly with a busted head of 'hur.' Girls, don't add years to your appearance....it's ok to want to look a little older, but not ok to look old and tired...and keep a great friend or family member around who is secure enough in your relationship to tell you the truth about your look. Ok?  ~END RANT~

Bis Später!!!

Unable to praise God enough!

Around 1:30 am Tuesday morning as I was finally getting to bed I heard a loud CRACK, then a POP, a whoosh and then a boom.  A big oak tree in my backyard had fallen.  There was no wind and no rain or any other outside force that would make it fall other than the tree being dead.

Well as soon as I heard the first crack, I knew which tree it was and I was terrified because I knew that it had the possibility of falling on the house and it's path would be to hit our deck and my daughter's bedroom, right above her bed where she was sleeping.  So my husband and I jumped up out of bed and went to take a look and we were relieved to know that it didn't make a direct hit with the house.  The next morning we were able to see the full scope of what happened:

The top reached all the way to the parking area on the side of the house

It (conveniently) landed on the woodpile

It cracked (dead and hollow inside) and  made a 1/4 turn when it fell

This is where my daughter was asleep

The gutter sustained all the damage

If God's hand hadn't caused the tree to make that 1/4 turn, it would have landed on the deck and over my daughter's room and bed between those two windows.  If God's hand hadn't turned that tree, the outcome could have been my family in the hospital waiting room or worse, the tragedy of losing my 6 year old daughter....Had it not been for God's merciful, wonderful, gracious hand, things would have been in a bad state for my family.  So I am GRATEFUL for God and His mercy shown to us on last night.  And my mere 'thank you' to Him for sparing my daughter's life and sparing my family another tragedy, just doesn't seem like enough....Now I truly understand for myself the phrase "If I had 10,000 tongues, I still could not praise Him enough."    God is so great and I give HIM all the glory, honor, and praise for what He did for us.   GOD IS MORE THAN AWESOME and I will forever love Him and for ever give Him praise! Hallelujah!!!!! Thank You Jesus!

I'm only human

I'm having a moment. I don't want to do the 'right thing,' I want to do the mean and spiteful thing that shows them how I feel....unappreciated, taken for granted, disrespected, devalued! But I can't go through with it. It's not the good in me, it HAS TO BE the Holy Spirit. That still, small voice that broke through my angry thoughts to say, 'You know that's not the right thing to do. Those actions will only bind you, not them. The Word says not to return evil for evil.' I'm so thankful for the Holy Spirit and His guidance, He keeps me in line even when my flesh doesn't want to be. Ok....end rant... Bis Spӓter <3 <3 <3

When I grow up...

All day my 5 yr old has been talking about what she wants to be when she grows up. She finally settled on being a Dr.(palientologist(sp) to be exact) and an Opera singer. So on the way home from dinner out, she asked her brother and sister what they wanted to be. Then she asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. (What she meant was after I was no longer a stay at home mom). Well my husband and I laughed a little and I told her that I didn't know. But after a few minutes to think about it I told her that I wanted to grow up to be a great woman of faith. My son asked what I meant by that and I told him that I wanted a prayer life so strong that I was confident that when I prayed my prayer was heard and answered. That my prayers caused situations to change because I was praying God's will. It kind of surprised me to hear myself say that, because my usual answer would have been 'take some photography or culinary classes.' But I really feel that this is the direction that my life is going in once my youngest (2) is in school. If I'm right, I'm excited about seeing where it leads. What do you want to be when you grow up? Bis spater <3 <3 <3

Taking a step to better health..

So, I've decided to quit soda, cold turkey starting today. My cravings for soda and sweets have been so strong lately that I feel I need to do this so that I don't become totally addicted. I know its hormonal but I can't use that as a crutch because its negating all the weight that I've lost. I have to move forward and this use my first step.

Eventually, I want to move into clean eating.....at least 5 days a week without meat, then to fish only and then maybe to vegetarianism.....one step at a time though O_o.

But as far as my new challenge for myself, I will try my best to update often.

Bis später! <3 <3

********Update*******

It's 8 days later and......I am still soda free!!!! Yay me!!!! Day 1 and 2 were the hardest because I had to go grocery shopping and they had those one liter sodas on sale for .99 and the second day we took our oldest daughter out to lunch, and I have always associated eating out with drinking soda. But I triumphed and am still going strong...So proud of me!!! :-)

Maybe after the Thanksgiving holiday, I can try to start this Maker's Diet....maybe...

Bis später! <3 <3

Losing weight is SOOO HARD...or is it just me?

Ugggghhhh! Weight loss is so hard, or maybe it's just me.  I mean I know I have a few flaws about myself that may be working against me such as procrastination, horrible self-discipline, and the uncanny power to talk myself out of working out and doing something else 'important' instead. And I know that is what has plagued me in the past to lose this baby weight. Yes, even though my youngest child is 2, it is baby weight because I never lost the excess weight from any of my 3 pregnancies. Why?  Because after my first child, every time I would get serious about working out and losing the weight, I'd get pregnant again.  Don't laugh, it's true. So after my third child, I was determined that I was done having kids and that fear of getting healthy and getting my blood flowing, which seems to make me extra fertile, kept me from even attempting to get busy ridding myself of this gut.  


Fast forward a year and a half after having my 3rd child and I stepped on a scale.....OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEE! I HATE SCALES! THEY ARE THE DEBBIL! I, who weighed only 135 lbs when I got married in 2000, was about 3 lbs shy of 200 lbs IN 2010...WTHeck!!!???  How did I let myself go like that?  Why didn't I see it happening?  I tried to find pictures of myself, when I realized all the pics I was in only got me from the chest up.  Why? Because I am an amateur photographer and I was always the one taking the pics.  Well, that took the wind out of me for about a week.  And after my pity party, I decided to get busy and get my self (maybe not at 135 lbs) back, but I knew I didn't want to be this heavy anymore.


It was a slow start...and I mean sllloooooowwwwww.  And it was because I was a procrastinator, I had no self-discipline, and I could easily make some other task more important than working out.  And for months, nothing changed...and rightly so, because I hadn't changed my mindset. I first had to work on me.


So I got busy.  I decided to keep a schedule and to make working out a part of my day like having a task to do at work.  So I set alarms on my phone for working out and other tasks of my day to keep me focused and so that working out would become automatic and routine.  And by doing this, I began to see progress.  The inches started coming off, and my clothes fit looser.  I have even gotten comments from family members and moms at my daughter's school about how good I look and how much weight I've lost.  And you know what those comments do for my self-esteem....boost boost boost!  And it also helps me on those mornings when my sheets cuddle me extra cuddly and my pillow cradles my head like a strong lover in a romance novel..  :-)


Now, I can say that I am seeing results.  The inches are melting away and I have more energy.  I feel better about myself and the way I look.  I am nowhere near where I want to be (b/c scales are the debbil), but I'm on my way.  I'm just being patient and anticipating the day when I am comfortable enough to post that before and after pic for the world to see.  Bis später! <3 <3